Lost and Found

Learning to grow

Where there

Once was a hole

That tore through

All I believed in

So many years

I was lost

Dark and barren 

I am now

Opening windows

Seeking sunshine

For the wildflowers 

Blooming

Inside me

Whilst

Laughing at all

That tried to

Control 

and 

Destroy me.

~Amber Comber 2016

Self Destruct

I douse myself 

In geranium oil

To keep 

The wolves 

At bay

I curse

The number 3

Which used 

To Symbolize 

Magic to me

My heart 

Is a flash flood

Warning zone

I can't control 

The water 

That overflows 

From my eyes

This love I give

Without restraint

In the end

Will either 

Save

Or 

Destroy

Me.

❤️Amber Comber (December 2016)

New Moon Masquerade

You will rise you will fall

You will survive through it all
Make no apologies...
For what you need to be free
Lose your mask
Before they create another
Society is to blame
Hold fast to one another
Before it all fades away

Break, fucking breakdown
Burn it all to the ground
Rise up from the ash
Silencing all their laughs
Cast your stones
Into the abyss
The weight it's
Just holding
You down
The truth
Is there if you're
Ready to see it
Relinquishing control




There you go again
Strangling the light
Can't you see me
Lost in these dreams
There is a beautiful madness
Inside your eyes
One I would like to touch
And climb inside
I am not frightened
Of your demons
Or the coy way
You avoid the light
That surrounds you.
~Amber Comber (November 2016)

TAROT

I have these seven cups

I have been trying to fill

They always leave me feeling

Less than whole or even real

Searching for something

To quiet the voices of doubt

I am often left alone

To hear them shout

Are these just illusions 

To pass the time

Or is this something safe

I can flourish inside.

~Amber Comber (11/11 insomnia)

Easy Heart

I've been collecting

Scraps of wood

Metal objects

Rusted spikes

Barbed wire

Anything to protect 

This heart of mine

That I offer up

Too easily 

For the pummeling

I know...

Constructing this cage

Will never happen 

It has a mind of its own

Untamable and

Ferocious with 

Love.

Amber Comber 2016

"Pull Yourselves Together Girls"

My Dearest Friend,

I know the time that has passed between us has left us both forever changed, raw in so many ways...

But I also know how strong we both are and I feel like we will make it through anything with more grace, acceptance, and understanding of who we are at our core. Learning to nurture our jagged edges, bruised skin, and weary souls. Eventually being able to revel in the present. Knowing we can't change the past or control the future is probably one of the hardest lessons for me to learn.

I know you said it's true that some days you can't tell if you're limping or dancing and perhaps it's our own hearts that are velveteen rabbits. Worn out...becoming truly alive in the process.

My momma told me that

She has been watching my light dim for years 

She was afraid it would flicker out

completely 

She's always told me that I saved her life

I have been trying to save everyone's life 

Since I could fathom 

How deep my heart was

It was time for me to finally break and

Let someone else help carry the weight

Of this heavy heart of mine 

She says I light up like a firecracker

When he comes around 

She's convinced I was a flapper 

At a Paris jazz club 

In my previous life 

She sees that spark again

I am feeling stronger each day 

Hoping the light will radiate from me 

Chasing away all the shadows 

That stand between

Who I used to be 

And

Who I am becoming...

Amber Comber (July 2016)

Santa Rosa

Santa Rosa was named under a new moon

She was smudged with sage that

Dali and I gathered under the California sun 

I have a twin bed and a lack of belongings

But have never felt like I belonged more

My mind doesn't run circles all night long 

Looking for the best escape route 

The one 

Where

I Only

Hurt Myself

And

No one else

I don't feel like I am breathing underwater

Or that I need to hide my unhappiness

Or failed attempts at trying to be happy 

I can just unfurl and finally trust me...

Amber Comber (May 2016)

 

 

Advice from my Therapist

My therapist said:

"You don't have to leave your anger on my bookshelf over there, it's okay to own it. You have every right to it."

How quickly terms of endearment 

Turn into mean and spiteful 

Pieces of broken promises

Like shattered glass

That I can't wait to spit out

Before I choke on the blood

Before I swallow them

And let them destroy

All the light left within me

Love can be so cruel

Giving you a false sense 

Of security that when it's

Taken away by the selfish 

Hands that gave it to you

You are left shivering and helpless

Begging and groveling for more

Words and memories you shared

Come back in tidal waves

Like multiple stabs to the heart

Still

I sew it up every time

Hoping the sutures hold

Until it's strong enough

To beat on its own

Quivering at the threshold

Betwixt love and hate.

~Amber Comber (April new moon 2016)

Forgotten Rooms

This house used

To smother me

Now I am a ghost

Lost in each room 

I brush against walls

Forgetting they are there

Everything is familiar

Yet foreign to me

What used to comfort me

Keeps me awake at night

When I am conscious 

I immediately play

Tricks on my mind

Telling myself:

Hold your boys

Feel the Sunshine

Go for a Walk

Drown the voices with

Your Headphones

Anything 

To

Forget

About the death

That happened here.

~Amber Comber

Turkish Apricots

My morning ritual

Consists of 

Two turkish apricots

And enough black

Coffee to chase

Last night's insomnia

Away

The full moon

Brings

Fever to my skin

And my mind

Is as restless

As the wind

That uprooted

The weeping willow

In my backyard 

Longing to feel 

Content in my stillness

I meditate for peace

To wash over me

She never shows 

My bruises are fading

From violet to green

And I don't reach

For the whiskey

As often as I used to

Minute by minute

I breathe through 

Each day

Holding lightly and

Unfurling my fists

To watch the 

Crescent scars 

Disappear.

~Amber Comber 2016

Ether

I am not his 

He is not mine 

We connect in the ether 

Where 

Time and space 

Have no relevance 

Where

Moral compasses cease to exist

I tell myself to hold on ever so lightly 

For I will never be able to capture air...

~Amber Comber

Afar

I have fashioned this cage

That surrounds me

Rusted wrought iron

Spires that pierce 

The perfect blue sky

Everything looks beautiful 

From afar

When you can possess 

It without fear

How ugly we have become

Clutching to the past

And fervently trying

To control the outcome 

When staying is killing you

Slowly

But leaving is a shotgun to the

Head

No one wins in this cruel game

And no one is to blame

I burn inside while

Bruising outside

Wanting to peel 

Each

Layer

of 

Skin

Free.

~Amber Comber 2016

Shatter

How lost I have become 

In these woods of yours

You, the cowardly wolf

Howling silently 

At a Moon that

You will never 

Have the courage 

To be illuminated by

Ego bruised

Like my thighs

I tried to stay

So soft

For 

So long

But my veneer

Is ready to 

Shatter 

At your feet

Into a million

Sharp pieces

That your feeble

And bloody fingers

Will never 

Be able to piece

Back together again.

Amber Comber 2016

Promises

I promise to not open my heart

For every wounded soul 

I promise to not wear my headphones

Whilst walking the train tracks

I promise to get more sleep

I promise to eat better

I promise to take a break 

From the whiskey
When the bottles
Disappear faster than
I can pay for them.

I have been playing house
For years now
Loving everyone but myself
Becoming lonely and numb
To all that surrounds me
Soaking in long hot baths
To remove the pain and doubt
I still come out feeling
Unwashed and unworthy
One day I will remember

All the beauty

I have experienced 

And tears of happiness
Will pour from my eyes.

I have claw mark wounds
Flooding like rivers
Hemorrhaging from inside
When it comes to misery

I have the mind of an elephant 

I can never fucking let go
I know now that I have to
Before it consumes me
Even if I have to burn
It all to begin again.

Amber C. Smith 2016

Crescent? Burn and Destroy? Insert title here...

Soul of metal

Heart of stone

I howl 

Alone

Burn  

destroy x4

Trying to keep

Us sane

Far beyond

This fucking pain

Sacrifice and

No ones right

The sins

Have stained us all

Burn 

And 

Destroy x's 4

In the darkness 

Of the night

Where No one 

Can hear you fight

I will hold you

Still and tight

Quiet those demons

That claw from inside

The crescent moon

Pulls you in

Burn all you know 

To begin again x2