Unraveling

It's  astounding 

How quickly

One can unravel

As the world carries 

On all around them

Leaving a trail

Of blood 

Tears and

Self worth 

Behind you

That even 

The flowers

Have to weep 

As you walk by

And sacrifice

Themselves

To the concrete

Just to try 

To soften

Your step.

~Amber C. Smith 2015

Anna's Atalaya

The walls were painted

The color of the sea

I could hear the waves

Crashing in the distance

Wandering the terraces 

That were used

To sculpt and write on

The ghost of inspiration

Heavy in the air

The sun and salt

Kissing my skin

I want to feel at peace 

The way Anna must have 

Confident in my purpose

Empowered to create

And share my passion 

But the doubts 

Have been hovering 

About me

Like vultures

Waiting to attack 

I have been clawing at my skin

Since I was six years old

Anytime I'm overwhelmed

My nails find my flesh

I don't draw blood 

Like I used to

Only when it gets really bad

I released my father's ashes

At sunrise into the 

Same ocean that

Surrounds Atalaya 

The dunes are wild 

The sand is soft 

Like spun silk

Until the sharp

Spurs and shells

Find my winter feet

I walk to find

Where the water

Meets the shore

Letting it carry away 

Some of this weight 

With each gentle current

I am numb to the cold

As I have been to 

My life lately

Placating others and 

Forgetting myself

With each passing day

We found a pair of black boots 

Left in the old servants quarters

They were exactly my size

I am ready to slip them on

And finally find myself

A vision and journey 

I know now that 

Only I can take and 

A defiant spirit

To not be molded

From the eyes 

Of someone else.

~Amber Comber 2015

Sparrow Blue

Some days I feel like Sylvia

Opening the oven door

When Anais walks

Into the kitchen

And reminds me to live

Feel the flush of my skin

When he whispers in my ear
My heartbeat like a drum
Desirous of everything

Cocooned in satin at

The sound of Billie's voice

Tasting the subtle notes

Of the Bordeaux 

As it hits my tongue

Trickles down my throat

Sets fire to my belly

Bicycling down steep hills

As the wind 

slam-dances 

With me...

But It's been six days

Since I've seen

Our city's skyline
The tops of the buildings
Swallowed by a thick
Suffocating fog

And I feel I am being

Carried away with it

The sky won't stop

Weeping and the

Atmospheric pressure

Crushes my heart 

A little more each day

It's taking all my strength

To avoid a shallow life

Dive deep within myself

To find the answers

Be filled purpose

And to know 

I cannot save anyone

I can only love them

Including myself...

~Amber C. Smith 2015

Seahorses

Encased in glass with water and shells 

Two seahorses floated beside her bed

The chaos was always heavy in the air

She wanted to be anywhere but here

I would just lay on my stomach

Hypnotized by the two seahorses 

Afraid to see the wildness in her eyes

Making contact was always dangerous

It was smarter to look away

But it was like watching a beautiful storm

That pulls you in while 

Destroying 

Everything

That stands in its way.

~Amber C. Smith 2015

Walking Pneumonia

I liken it to my bout with pneumonia

The doctor called it walking pneumonia
Because I don't know when to stop
I let something consume me
In hopes that I can still
Make it out alive
I function daily

My heart filled with
An unquenchable longing
My chest bruised and scarred

Held together with

Fresh sutures
Breathing becomes difficult
I feel that tickle creep in my throat

When I have been silent too long

When the whiskey is my friend
And I am not sleeping again
I feel the familiar burning
Rise up in my chest
And I wonder
How others waste 

Oxygen so easily

How they move 

Through life so freely

Untouched by the

Pain and suffering 

Oh how I envy them...

~Amber C. Smith 2015

Awakening

It's the habitual rituals

That draw me to you

The copper smell on my fingers 

Early morning dew

Coffe hot black

Wine red ready

The magic of the things lost 

Between the cracks of reality

Howling at the full moon

Primal And New...

~Amber C. Smith 2015

Dry Your Eyes

Franz Kofta veggie burgers
Cinnamon and Pears
Feed myself on memories
That fight to enter
My current fucked
State of reality
Life is slipping
Through the cracks
Daily
I am missing bodies
That used to hold me
All I am left with
Are old movies in my mind

And a longing

That gnaws at

The root of me
I know holding on is impossible
Yet my hands are bloodied
From grasping so hard
For too long
And my heart refuses
To forget
That fucking song...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ywAgzAYUFls

Dust

I get the summer sads

Like others get 

The winter blues

These ghosts that rise

And turn to dust 

Filling my lungs

With memories of you

I hope it snows this winter

One good storm

To hide all that

Is ugly about this year

I want the pristine white

To eat away at the darkness

That is creeping in around me...

~Amber C. Smith 2015

Pawn Shop Heart

I have a pawn shop heart

That will never be free

It trust with each 

Tender word

Wanting to believe

But the payments

Never come through

And it breaks more

With each lie

Received 

The trouble with 

Loving addicts

Is you forget

You yourself

Are worthy.

~Amber C. Smith (June 2015)

Water Moccasin

The scent in the air

Reminds me of the river

Being young and naive

The wonder of life

The innocence leaving

The stillness so loud

My heart beat echoed

The rope swing

The watermelon 

The tales of

Water moccasin nest

And the death that followed 

A darkness so deep

The light could never find

A way to penetrate 

The secrets that murky

Water held

The shame in that

Gas station bathroom

Look pretty but

Not too pretty

Run faster 

Scream louder

And when there is blood 

On your mouth 

And skin under your nails

Use it to curse

Him and all the 

Others like him.

Amber C. Smith (June 2015)

Radishes

Radishes remind me of you

Your work worn hands

Cleaning the red skin 

Of the earth still attached 

Your enjoyment of

Sinking your teeth into

Something so vibrant

Beautiful

White

Pure

And always 

Bitter 

In the end

Constant triggers

Fill my eyes

With salt water

The sadness weaves

Through my ribs

Up my spine

Tearing at my flesh

Muscles aching

Recoiled in darkness

Reaching for the light

~Amber C. Smith 2015

Static (Consumption Casualties lyrics)

Here we go

One more time

Same old bullshit

New tired line

Telling me

Things will change

How many times

Before I go insane

Broke my heart

I lost my mind

Still can't see 

What I don't want to find

Say you'll be there 

Oh how you care

What good is that 

If we go nowhere

Chorus: 

Reaching through the static 

To find our frequency 

(X's 3)

The closer we get

The further we fall

Seems impossible

To fucking evolve

You punch through doors

Begging forgiveness

I run away 

Wishing for stillness

My tongue has sharpened

Like a knife

Carving doubts in my mind

You lose your baggage

I'll lose mine

Let's leave this bullshit behind

Chorus

Reading Bukowski 

Into the night

Drinking whiskey

Just to fight

You have the power

To make me rage

I lose my way

More each day

The static grows

With every word

We speak

It's never easy

To just let 

Things be

Close your eyes

Quiet your mind

I know 

You can find me

Just give it time

Chorus

~Amber C. Smith 2015

February

Some collect hearts 

Just to shatter them

Crafting haunting

Mosaics

Of the carnage

Left behind

I watched you move

From one lover to the next

Like that bright glittery

Super bouncy ball

I liked to slam 

Against walls

Just to annoy you

You were content

Until they stopped feeding 

Your ego and addictions 

Believing in your lies

I know in the end

It caught up with you

Leaving you lost and alone

How frightened you must have been

Watching the sun rise and set

In the same dark room

Lit with the ember of your

Everlasting cigarette

Listening to sad music

And mind fucking 

Yourself Into oblivion 

I know your heart broke 

Swollen and bruised

Losing it's rhythm 

With each lover 

Left behind

Forgetting yourself 

Is impossible in the end

No matter how deep

You bury yourself

In another's skin.

~Amber C. Smith (2015)

Sunrise Flight

Three cigarettes were left in the ashtray 

With a can of beer beside it

Almost like you were

Coming right back

But it had been fourteen days

Since your body finally decided to

Surrender to the war you 

Waged against it for so many years

I could see the imprint in the sofa

Where you spent your time alone

The room was forever stained 

With stale cigarette smoke

Like the local dive bar

You used to waste your time in

The reality of it all punched me in the gut

I'm sorry I sent the cops over last month

Because you sounded like you just had a stroke

I know the attention upset you and 

The holidays must have been hard for you all alone

I'm sorry that I never mailed that card 

With the photos from our last visit

I'm sorry I didn't call more

I'm sorry for so many fucking things

But mostly 

That I will never see you again

I hope you know I loved and forgave you

We are all human making it however we can

I know you spent those last days calling me 

Trying to apologize in all the ways you never knew how

I know one day I will be able to listen to Neil Young

Without having rivers 

Waterfall from my eyes

I know it will get easier when people 

Give their condolences after hearing about you

I will hold our visit last Summer in my mind

Locked away with a key no one can find

So it doesn't get left in the Sun

Fading with each passing day

I went to Kerouac's favorite bar after seeing you

Thinking of his death and worrying about your life

I wrote about our visit because I had to

That is how I process and release the things

That weigh too heavy in my heart

"I hope in the end we all truly find peace

I hope in the end we all feel loved

I hope in the end we are released

From all the pain, sadness, and regret 

That we numb ourselves from daily."

There were 600 miles between us

I knew the morning I saw that beautiful sunrise

And heard Bill Fay sing Jesus Etc.

That the Universe was telling me something 

I hope your flight was free from pain and filled with peace.

~Amber Comber (February 2015)

I Really Loved That Math Puzzle

I wanted to face 2015

Being fiercer than 

I've ever been

My life always

Has a different plan

I know we don't become

Monsters overnight

We don't forget our worth

Whenever it's convenient

It's something that builds up 

Slowly over time

Questioning yourself

Starts at a tender age and

When the answers don't come

You wrap yourself in layers

And a mask that become 

Harder to shed

With each passing year

I have circles under my eyes

My tongue has sharpened

Like a knife 

Carving doubts

On the walls of this

Scarred heart of mine

Tonight I sipped

Vodka and pomegranate

Until I felt lost at sea

Too numb to care

Too gone to cry

Recalling my dreams

To breakthrough the doors

Into the light

Uphill

Full

Speed 

Ahead

Telling you

"I have to go

I can't talk to you

While doing this"

I'm awake now

I wish I wasn't

I cry myself to sleep

And still rise

With oceans pouring

From my eyes

I want to comfort you

But all I feel is a 

Fiery hot rage

That I don't know how

To extinguish

You punch through doors

Begging for forgiveness

I run far away 

Begging for stillness

I just want this rope bridge

To stop swinging between us

I lose my balance with each step

Falling backwards 

Instead of moving ahead

How lost have we have become

In this nightmare we've created

I search for the light

Praying that the darkness 

Does

Not

Consume

Us.

~Amber C. Smith 2015