Solstice Letter to Dali

Dear Dali,

Last night was the Solstice.

I feel the weight of Winter upon me as I grasp for every beam of light I can store in this sad soul of mine. I gathered with the most lovely goddesses under the evening stars, we growled at the darkness daring it to steal our power. We built a bonfire to burn all that no longer serves us and embrace all that we desire to manifest in the coming year. Words often escape me when I am struck with such awe and beauty. My heart swells and I am speechless. It's hard to describe the joys I experience, why is that? The sadness and loneliness always leave a fever on my lips that I must break before I am burned alive. Why can't I speak of all the joy? We used the wild sage that we harvested together in Santa Rosa. Smudging each of us clockwise like spinning centers trying to come clean. I cast what was left into the fire and it covered us with the most beautiful blanket of smoke, offering embers to the night sky that danced like fireflies on a Summer evening. You were with me in that moment in time, when my soul felt weightless and free. I read Mary Oliver tonight and wanted to share her words with you:

“If you suddenly and unexpectedly feel joy,
 don’t hesitate. Give in to it. There are plenty 
of lives and whole towns destroyed or about
 to be. We are not wise, and not very often
 kind. And much can never be redeemed. 
Still, life has some possibility left. Perhaps this
 is its way of fighting back, that sometimes
 

something happens better than all the riches
 or power in the world. It could be anything,
 but very likely you notice it in the instant
 when love begins. Anyway, that’s often the
 case. Anyway, whatever it is, don’t be afraid
 of its plenty. Joy is not made to be a crumb.”

I plan to feast on Joy whenever possible, I hope you'll join me. 

Love Always,

Gala

~Amber Comber (Solstice 2014)

Winter Awaits

It's a misty rainy evening

And the trees are exposing

Their naked limbs again

It's brutal to sit alone

With your self doubt

Wondering how you will return

With the fever of Spring 

After being cold and dormant

For so long

The quiet is deafening

So my ghosts can scream

And the darkness illuminates

All that I don't want to see 

This war I wage 

With myself

Every year

Has claimed 

No casualties

It just leaves me

Shaking in the cold and

Riddled with anxiety.

~Amber C. Smith (December 2014)

Orpine Drive

I would wake to the sound

Of her screaming his name

Knowing she loved him

Forgetting he was gone

I would try to soothe her

As she shook in my arms

Valium can only numb you

For so long

Leaving a hole and ache

Larger than when it

Entered your bloodstream 

I had never seen my grandmother

So lost, alone, and suffering

I traveled 600 miles to comfort her

And didn't know where to begin

Seeing me would make her happy

Until she remembered why I was there

She refused to eat

But made sure I was fed

I brushed her hair

I painted her nails

Strange I know

But when the Titanic 

Was sinking 

I read somewhere that

Women rushed to the mirror

To apply lipstick

We are always trying 

To make things beautiful

Even death

I lost my appetite

To clove cigarettes

Whiskey and insomnia 

A stranger in my hometown

I came and left

Like the ghost of him.

~Amber C. Smith (November 2014)

Spun Silk

It's been a cold, dark week

The kind that test your will

And the fight you have left

Winter is not even here yet

I say to myself

Stepping into another 

Hour long bath

Covering myself with blankets

Hiding from the outside world

Books, music, and movies 

Comforting my weary heart 

But today 

It's snowing dandelions

The clouds are spun silk

My legs and feet are 

Bare white porcelain

Under the long forgotten Sun

The wind is restless like my soul

Playfully tugging at my hair

As I sit silently still

Breathing it all in

Reminding myself why I am here

For this moment I am grateful .

~Amber C. Smith (November 2014)

Blood Moon

I want to remember this sunset

How the pink clouds caressed

The high voltage lines

How I never felt so fucking alone

My cheeks stained salty

Walking these railroad tracks

With all direction gone

I bleed with the Blood Moon

How can that not be magic?

Dipping my fair skin

Marred with past sins

Into these murky waters 

To come out clean 

Leaves me in awe

Every time...

~Amber Comber

Penny For Your Thougts

She collected wheat pennies

Her eyes would sparkle 

When I handed her one

I was always in search of them

Just so I could see her light

The sadness lingered around her

With an air so thick 

I often got lost in it

I could see her struggle

Trying to shake it off with

That Insane laugh of hers

Always reassuring me 

Everything was okay

Her lips and eyes

Lying every time 

With such classic 

Beauty and grace

She made it easy 

To believe 

Then one day

She

Was

Gone

No goodbyes 

No explanations 

Family asking if I had seen her

Not nearly as alarmed as I was

They were use to these episodes

She disappeared quite often 

Escaping her current reality for

The Blue Ridge Mountains

There was talk of her seedy past

The old boyfriend who dealt meth

Trying to kick her own addictions

But always getting lured back in

I ran into her years later 

She acted as if nothing happened

Oblivious to any worry she caused

Her eyes had grown tired

She had given up the fight

Exchanging pleasantries

We hugged one another

Goodbye

I knew that was the last time

I would see her face. 

~Amber C. Smith (Autumn 2014)

Fall (Consumption Casualties lyrics)

Down the hole I go

Will anyone ever know

Grasping to a dream

That kills my reality

Every time I fall

At least I see the stars

Asphalt and the sky

Sing a lullaby

I twist and turn to find my way

Try to escape the traps they lay

Gingerly walk this wicked trail

Lost and alone looking for home

Falling in your arms

Safe from all that harms

Whisper in my ear

The future begins right here

Every time I fall

At least I see the stars

Asphalt and the sky

Sing a lullaby

The doubts they scream so loud

My mind it can't escape

The ghosts that haunt us now

Always out of reach 

But all too real

Burn it to the ground

Make way for new growth

A Forest lush with hope

Every time I fall

At least I see the stars

Asphalt and the sky

Sing a lullaby

~Amber C. Smith (August 2014)

"One day I will find the right words, and they will be simple." ~Jack Kerouac

I was born in the same town you died in

I took my first breath in Saint Anthony's hospital

Four years after you took your last at the same hospital 

I became obsessed with you at 13

Reading, living, dreaming of your

words

Surrounded by chaos 

In search of adventure

Burning my candle at both ends

Falling too hard

Loving too deeply

Always trying to escape

The gnawing discontent

Watching my loved ones

Struggle with their demons

While trying to control my own

Was a painful existence

I watched the bottle destroy

Too many people I loved 

I fled from this town known as

"God's Waiting Room"

Before it could claim my soul

21 years old crossing the bridge

With tears in my eyes

And a hole tearing through my heart

Coming back home is never easy

And I've been gone too long

It's sad to watch the ones you love

Killing themselves slowly

I visited your old house today on 10th avenue

It felt so lonely

I had the Kerouac special at the Flamingo 

6oz of cheap beer and a shot of whiskey

Hoping it would help ease the pain

Funny how that works 

Loathing something so much 

Yet finding comfort in it

I hope in the end we all truly find peace

I hope in the end we all feel loved

I hope in the end we are released

From all the pain, sadness, and regret 

That we numb ourselves from daily.

~Amber Comber 

Vacant Space

Some days I feel as empty

As this vacant space 

Torn linoleum

Dust

Debris

Exposed wires

Left for no one

Bare boned 

Frayed nerves

Skin inside out

Frightened to be touched

I want to fill this hollowness

To drown out the voices

Screaming of doubt

I want to be enough

For the blue and brown eyes

Staring back at me

But I feel

I am always 

Falling

Short

~Amber C. Smith (May 2014)

Longing for the City

New York I've become so lovesick

Missing everything about you

You took my breath away 

At Grand Central Station

Chelsea, Coney Island, and Brooklyn

Still have pieces of my heart

The random subway shows

The collective energy of people

That buzzes a swirls down

Each and every city block

The thought of the musicians

The amazing poets

The aspiring artists

Who once stood

Where I know stand

Make my knees weak 

And my heart flutter

I can see the history 

Hear the untold stories

Seeping out of every building

You have so much to say

I breathe electric 

With each and every step

Hungry to take you all in

Cathedrals, parks, rooftop sunsets

I could live here my whole life

And never know all of you

I long to return 

To soak you in

Once again.

~Amber C. Smith (May 2014)

Tonight (Consumption Casualties Lyrics)

Feeling all immortal

Acting so dumb

Hating who I've been

And what I've become

Chrous:

Please stay tonight 

Hold me in your light

Wrap me up tight

Just love me tonight

Careless with my needs

So selfish with my wants

All apologies

Won't redeem me

Chorus

Ripe with promises

And Full of regrets

Your judgement

Hangs over my head

Chorus

My knees are bruised 

From kneeling so long

Have I repented enough

For your love 

Chorus

Whiskey and Strangers

He reminded me of you

How you must have looked

Before your dad

Beat you down daily

Before life's responsibilities

Killed your soul

Before the booze 

Claimed your liver

Before the women 

Left you lonely

Before you walked out

On your family 

Here I stand 

Four 

Decades 

Later

In a crowded bar

Whiskey in my hand

Loud music in my ears

Feeling like a lost little girl

From seeing you in

A stranger's face

Memories sharp like knives

How many times will I bleed

Before letting go?

~Amber C. Smith 2014

Snow Kissed

I know your wounds are still fresh

I can taste the salt from your tears

They have left trails for me

To walk in everyday

Head hung low

Heart too heavy

Gasping for air

Some days your eyes clouded

With doubts of the past and

Worry for the future

Will open wide

And be here now

Like a beautiful snow cloud

That blankets all that is ugly

Leaving it so still and pure

We have to shield our eyes
From the naked Sun

And remember to breathe

Being kissed by the magic

Of the falling snow

Our lips wet with promises

Our hearts beating in our throats

This moment is all there is

We are full of hope

We will hold each other

Like nothing has gone wrong

Leaving our past buried 

With this winter snow

Take my trembling hand

I promise to never let go.

~Amber C. Smith 2014

Written in Cursive

I have been writing in cursive

So I don't forget how 

So it will look elegant

On paper 

When my choice of words

Fail me

I touch the hem of your slip

Every time I rise to walk

My fingers find the folds 

Burying themselves for comfort

Remembering your arms 

That would wrap around me

To give me that same security

I watch my son as he sleeps

Fixated on his Comber chin

A mirror of mine 

A reflection of yours

Genes have never been 

More triumphant

I replay that same song

Even though it leaves my eyes

Too misty to drive

The soft shoulder always

Welcomes me 

My windows rolled up

Silencing the guttural cries

That leave my body in a panic

As they trip over all the words 

Left unsaid between us.

~Amber C. Smith (2014)