New Growth

We stumble into 2014

Licking our wounds

Fresh with blood

In search of

Butterfly bandages

To minimize

The scarring 

Compound fractures

Broken bones

Wanting to 

Wash

Burn

Set

All that damaged

Us this past year

Casting off 2013

Like a weight

That has kept us

Underwater

Not able to see clearly

Because  the salt

Burns our eyes

Not able to hear

One another through the 

Murkiness

Of the deep water

From our own despair

This year fucked us good

In all the worst ways

We were both lost

Clutching to one another

Out of fear, habit

It can only get better 

From here

We will burn it all

For new growth

Making our forest

Lush with promise 

Hold my hand 

Don't look back

For those ghosts

Will just cloud your

Beautiful mind 

With doubts 

And we can't

Afford to take on any

Extra baggage this year.

~Amber C. Smith 2014

Gemini Full Moon

"This alignment also triggers a powerful release of the past, clearing out old trauma-based belief systems so we can see the present and future more clearly."

It's Wednesday morning

I am drinking coffee

Upon the red bricks

Of my back steps

Thinking of you

My house is shrinking 

By the minute

Suffocating me

My hunger

For fresh air is overwhelming

The December Sun is blinding

Illuminating the bare branches

That pierce the perfect blue sky

I mended your slip again last week

The one you gave me when I was 16

It has been tattered and worn

Lovingly through the years 

My body has grown and shrunk 

With each inch of silk and lace 

It hugs me perfectly now

Reminding me of you

Your laughter

Your flaming red hair

Your beauty

Your stories and scars

Hidden by pride

How you would cup my face

With your elegant fingers

Gazing into my eyes to say

"goodbye,

I love you,

don't be a stranger"

I didn't visit as often as I should have

Even less when over 600 miles 

Grew between us

Coming home has always been like 

Stepping into a boxing rink for me

Leaving my heart and head 

More sore and bruised

With each return

I wanted to bring the boys to see you

I wanted you to be tangible to them

Not just a character in one of my stories

I know you loved me through all the madness

As I loved and forgave you through yours

I only smile when I think of you now

There is a breeze making the hem of your slip dance today

And I know that is your way of telling me it is all going to be okay.

~Amber C. Smith (December 2013)

Daggers (Consumption Casualties lyrics)

Filling these voids

As the holes grow larger

Screaming on the inside 

While I walk past you

Hello hello can you see me 

Hello hello can you hear me

Take this weight 

It's crushing my chest

These bruises and scars

Burn at your caress

Skin pulls tight

Synapses fire

I hear your words

Sharp like daggers 

In my mind 

Everything is fine

All I have is

This wasted time

Don't be frightened 

By what you see

Could it be

You never knew me

Skin pulls tight

Synapses fire

I hear your words

Sharp like daggers

You can't hurt me anymore

I found a way

To even the score

Skin pulls tight

Synapses fire

I hear your words

Sharp like daggers

~Amber C. Smith 2013/14

After the Phone Call

I love autumn leaf tornadoes 

That swirl like dervishes 

Over the black asphalt

Trains that call out my name

Just when I need to hear them

Standing beside the tracks

To feel the wind upon my skin

Reminding me how alive I am

Poets that make me weep

While giving me hope

In a room full of strangers

Standing shoulder to shoulder

Having a collective heartbeat

That could deafen the world.

~Amber C. Smith (Autumn 2013)

Sky Walking

Walking the skybridge to your doctor's appointment

You took hold of my hand

I had to stop and breathe in the moment

"What mom, oh do you need to take a picture?"

I smile at your intuition and how you follow suit

Everyone rushing past us 

Not even raising their heads to glance outside

Missing all the wonder surrounding us

While we stand there suspended in air 

Capturing  images

Of the trees set aflame

By Autumn's fiery kisses

Branches piercing

The perfect blue sky

Leaves glistening like

Red rubies bathed in sunlight

I hope I never lose this sense of awe

Imbued by the changing seasons

The fortuitousness of being your mother

Even though you grow older each day

You will always be my firstborn

And I still have to catch my breath at the beauty of it all.

~Amber C. Smith (Autumn 2013)

Rooster

I was your brown eyed girl

The daughter you always wanted

You were the father I needed

I remember singing in the car

At the top of our lungs

Your zealous love of life and

Desperate need for laughter

Your friends were like brothers

Holding dark secrets  

That always left you feeling blue

Yet your door was always open

To each ragged soul 

That was passing through

You fought your demons daily

Lashing out to your wife

Fits of rage that would leave

Me and your daughter trembling

Entangled with fear 

Bracing for the crash

And waiting for 

The monsters to leave

I know you had nightmares 

Every time you closed your eyes

You would stay awake for days 

Just to escape them

You came back from Vietnam 

A broken man 

Feverishly

Looking 

For the pieces

To put you back together again

I wanted so badly 

For you to find that peace

Without having to take your life

Like so many of your friends did

Some in your own home 

I know I could empathize with you

But that I would never understand

The horrors that haunted you 

Or how to make them go away

It may have been

The alcohol

The drugs

The agent orange

Your body finally gave up

And your mind was finally free

There are moments I miss you

Beyond these words I write

I can still hear you singing 

"My brown eyed girl..."

Like you're sitting beside me

Windows down 

The ocean breeze 

Whipping through my hair

And I smile at these memories

I can't hear Rooster to this day

Without weeping uncontrollably 

And wishing I could see you

One

Last 

Time...

 ~Amber C. Smith (October 2014)

http://youtu.be/uAE6Il6OTcs

Dali and Gala Walk With Deer

Since I have returned

I have made chili de Arbol 

At least ten times

I listen to Andrea Gibson speak

Now

Remembering

How still I sat

Beside you

Open and vulnerable

On the Autumn Equinox

Feeling as though my 

Heart would explode

Just from the beauty

Of her words

How we both left there

Mouth open in awe

Speechless

I've smudged my house

With our freshly gathered

Santa Rosa Sage

Hoping to surround

Myself with this 

Sacred energy

My soul smiles often

At the memory

Of seeing the Milky Way

With my naked eye

I can feel the mountain winds

Dance through my hair

With the same intensity

As the Venice Beach breeze

Grabbed each auburn strand

Kissing them like a

Long lost lover

The desert sands

Anointed my skin

With a cosmic dust

Preparing me for all

The wonders that lie ahead

Butterscotch trees wafting

Through the forest

Guiding us

To our spirit animals

Reminding us to trust

Our intuition and gentle hearts

I came to you weary 

My soul malnourished

In need of my Gemini Twin

You welcomed me

To your paradise

Into your home

And beautiful family

I will be forever

Grateful 

Carrying these memories

In the treasure chest 

Of my heart.

~Amber Comber

The Act of Breathing

Things I must remind myself

I am unable to fix what has broken

But these wounds will 

Heal if given the time

Hopefully making me stronger

It is impossible to

Give and accept love

If you are afraid of being hurt

Some people can walk away

From the wreckage

Never looking back

My hands gather

All the twisted metal

Fractured bones

Bleeding lacerations

Feverishly looking

For ways to end the pain and

Cauterize the veins

To stop the hemorrhaging

Cradling all these fragile souls

In this crowded heart of mine

My walls have become

So swollen

That I can barely breathe

The bruises on my chest

Are visible to only me

How do I explain

What others

Cannot see

I can only gasp 

Yearning

For this breath

To finally fill me.

💫Amber Comber

Winter's Weight

You can not rationalize with a drunk

Did you learn nothing from your childhood

Bite your tongue

Taste the blood

And walk away

"Will we make it through Winter?"

He questions with concern

I swallow the lump in my throat

And nod looking away

My eyes already misty

The doubt creeping in

I want to smile often

So you will question less

Believing in happily ever after

Feeling ecstatic from 

Stupid fucking pop songs

I want to scrub 

Everything so clean

That the shine will blind you

While occupying my mind and

Keeping these demons at bay

My bones can already feel

The chill in the air

The darkness will set in

As it does every year

I want to put all the mistakes

The mean and hurtful words

Burning them in Autumn's

First fire

Hoping this Winter 

Will weigh less

On my tired soul

But I've never known how to

Outrun these ghosts of mine

And they seem to get heavier

With each approaching year

Surviving  Winter

Is always a battle.

~Amber C. Smith 2013

Wasted Love

Small reminders

A silver earring

Bent at the post

A fading bruise

The TV

Blabbering

About Football 

In the other room

How easy was it

To take my love

Earn my trust

Entering my reality

Like a dream

Just to escape

Like a thief

In the night

Don't worry

I stopped

Holding my breath

Scratching my skin

Missing your presence

Crying myself to sleep

It took me years 

To finally realize

That 

Loving someone

Isn't always enough.

~Amber C. Smith (Autumn 2013)

Hearts

We are all so fragile

Aching from

Day to day

Waiting to be set aflame

With purpose and meaning

Hiding our hearts

Cupped in our hands 

Like a sweet secret

We are afraid to share

But want so badly to

My limbs are heavy

My heart is swollen

I want to hold 

Everyone I have

Ever 

Loved

Close to my

Bruised chest

Whispering 

You are beautiful

You are loved

Please accept this

Moment in time

Let it carry you

Because it is all so

Fucking fleeting.

~Amber C.Smith

My Bloody Hell

Lyrics for Anxious Bench song

Here it comes 

The hazy sun

Shedding light 

On all that's wrong

Whiskey soaked sheets

Apologies trapped by teeth

The night makes easy company

Chorus:

Don't try to save me 

I'm too far gone

Don't try to touch me

My edges are too sharp

Leaving you bloody

And breaking your heart

Don't try to save me 

Don't try to save me

These ghosts I keep

As secrets fade slowly

Slaying all this doubt

And all I want is now

Fuck the future anyhow

What has it ever given me 

But disappointment 

And anxiety

Chorus

Come with me

We'll travel to the sea

Let the salt water cleanse

These sins out of me

Transcending from this hell

We have made our reality

Or watch as all hope

Disappears from me

Chorus

~Amber C. Smith 2013

Downward Spiral

We are all

Silently licking 

Wounds

Waiting

For scar tissue

To protect

Our minds

To forget

Our hearts to

Forgive

I am my worst

Enemy

Conjuring ghosts 

Of my past

That

Thievishly

Haunt my present

Leaving me with

That sinking feeling

That hangs on

Too often 

Too long

Overwhelming 

As life goes on

Around me

Lost and alone

In a room 

Full of friends

My only ally 

Leaving me

Feeling pulled 

By the train whistle

Distracted by the wind

The restlessness always

Percolating in my veins

Like a caged animal
Compulsively looking 

Over my shoulder
Waiting for someone 

To break me free
Not realizing 

I am the only one

With that power.

~Amber C. Smith 2013

Worship

He wants to worship me

But my hands are dirty

And my dress is torn

His faith is shaky

And the confessionals

Are closed at three am

When the alcohol and Valium

Cloud those

Blue 

Eyes 

Gray

With doubt

My knees are bruised 

From kneeling so long

On this 

Filthy

Concrete

Floor

Have I repented enough

To let the light back in?

~Amber C. Smith (August 2013)

Lost Sunlight

We walked along the railroad tracks

To lead us to school and back home

You and me with our 

Mismatched

High top

Pink and yellow converse

Graffitied with The Cramps, Dead Kennedys, and Circle Jerks

Middle school was fucking brutal

Beating us down daily 

Walking those tracks with you

Was the only thing I looked forward to

I would watch the sunlight 

Getting lost in your 

Strawberry blonde curls

Listened to your soft voice

Talk about hard stuff like

Music, alcohol, and getting out of this town

The days Cold War drills

And comments from cruel kids

Would finally escape me

You had to be my first real love

My heart would race to see you

And when you stayed home sick

Walking those tracks never felt lonelier

I wish his fingers never found me that night

I wish running with you could have worked out

But we all know how fast the world 

Can swallow two teenage girls

I have carved more lost loves in my skin than I have room for

I hope I can give up the dream of grabbing your hand to jump on that train that will make everything okay

I hope you can bury my wasted love in your chest and one day the most beautiful flowers will bloom 

That even a cynic like you will be compelled to water them with the tears you cry from remembering me.

~Amber C. Smith (Lammas 2013)

Oxygen

Suffocating 

Trapped under glass

In this menagerie

For eager eyes

To pick apart

And burn me

At the stake

Beating

Fist bloodied

On broken shards

Trying to escape

To fill my lungs

Feel the Sun

And live again.

Charlotte Sometimes

He said I wanted to give you a hug last week but was afraid.....

I replied you're lucky you didn't, I may have shattered

Breaking into millions of tears

That form into tidal waves

Carelessly destroying 

All that surrounds me

I have voids in me that may never be filled

And it's brutal watching people you love

Killing themselves by trying to fill them

Sometimes it's easier to stay angry

To feel selfish, alone, and unlovable 

Because the pain is too real

And my heart may burst

From the gentle kindness

Of arms 

Being 

Wrapped 

Around me

By a stranger.

~Amber C. Smith (July 2013)

"Charlotte sometimes crying for herself

Charlotte sometimes dreams a wall around herself

But it's always with love

With so much love it looks like

Everything else

Of Charlotte sometimes

So far away

Glass sealed and pretty

Charlotte sometimes."

Nightswimming

These Summer nights thick with humidity

Where your skin glistens in the moonlight

And the alcohol is more intoxicating 

It's easy to feel young and hopeful again

Trying to capture that fleeting innocence

Like children chase fireflies in the twilight

I sink into the heaviness of the night

The weight of my body feeling lighter

With each sip, conversation, and smile

The ghosts I keep as secrets

Fade slowly into the darkness

All that matters is the present

Fuck the future

What has it ever promised me

But disappointment and anxiety

I want the feeling of not knowing 

And being content with it

To dive into the possibility of now 

Savoring every moment of it~

~Amber C. Smith (July 2013)

Summer Haze

Here it comes

The hazy sun

Shedding light

On all

That's gone wrong

Whiskey soaked sheets

Apologies trapped by teeth

The night makes easy company

Don't try to save me 

I'm too far gone

Don't try to love me

My edges are too sharp and

I will only break your heart.

~Amber C. Smith (July 2013)

Washaway

I have a mouth full of regrets

That I will rarely speak of

But will forever haunt me

Pills to keep me numb

That I will refuse to take

I need

I want

To feel this edge

This pain 

This hurt

I deserve every bit of 

What you cast my way

I will face my monsters

Head on

Slaying all doubts

That tie me down

I will forgive myself

A little more each day

Seeking light to bask in

Avoiding

The dark corners of my mind

Convincing myself 

I AM.

Worthy of this love.

Amber C. Smith 2015

Rag Doll

He told me everyone has parts of them that will never be happy

Doesn't he realize my heart is as wide as the ocean

And some days as sad as my 

15 year old self 

Crying to The Smiths

Alone in my bedroom 

I cannot control the Nostalgia

That rushes over me

A song

A scent

A season

It doesn't take much

For this heart of mine to bleed 

I feel like an open wound

Leaving a trail of blood

With every step I take

Looking desperately for sutures

That I can never seem to find

Amber C. Smith (June 24, 2013)

Dark Corners

I will be forty in seven days

I am reading Angela's Ashes and 

The Bell Jar, talk about despair

I listen to some sad fucking music

And surprise....

I have been weeping 

A lot

About lost friends

Old photographs

Nostalgic memories

And dusty dreams

Aching for the lives

I still want to live

And the ones I never will

There are days when I hate myself

More than my worst enemy

Times I want to tell all my secrets

To the stranger in the dark bar

Shedding the weight of this skin

Along with my identity

Of a woman lost

Being crushed by

A deep loneliness 

Even though I am 

Surrounded

By love

It is inconceivable 

To one who does not

Understand

So I stay busy

Immersing myself in everything

Until it becomes a

Neurotic juggling act

Maddening those closest to me

Because with stillness

Comes a deafening silence

And my inner voice can be heard

Asking too many questions

That I am not prepared to answer

My soul has become so restless

My heart swells every time 

I hear a train in the distance

I am always 

Being pulled

By the Moon and Tide
Loving until my heart ask
How much more

Can you give

Before you lose

Yourself

Completely?

~Amber C. Smith (May 18, 2013)

“I have the choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad. Or I can go mad by ricocheting in between.”

The Journals of Sylvia Plath

Phoenix

My mom raised two children
Mostly on her own
When my dad was around
Drunk and unemployed
I am sure he was more like
The third child she never wanted
She broke her back daily
To feed and clothe us
I know she has regrets
Wished she could have given more
Helped more with my brother
Kept her demons at bay
It is easy to beat yourself up
I do it to myself too often
I wish it could have been easier for you
That you didn't have to wait tables
All day long
And work in a bar until 3am
Just to not make ends meet
You sacrificed so much
And I have nothing but love for you
I look at you now and I am in awe
You amaze and inspire so many
Healing others with just your touch
Your heart remains open
And when your laughter unfurls
Everyone around you smiles
You are my Phoenix
I have seen you rise from the ash
And your brilliance
Takes my breath away.

~Amber C. Smith (May 12, 2013)

Fire Heart (for Suellen)

I see your heart aching
And I want to reach inside
To show you how brilliant
And strong it really is
How
It beats without you asking
A Rhythm so beautiful
That
Others want to lay
Upon your chest just to hear
I know what it is like
Holding the world on
Your broken shoulders
Always apologizing for tears
Being strong when you just
Want to shatter and disappear
I have seen your doubt
But I look at your
Two
Amazing
Children
And wonder why
Your light shines so bright
It can lead lost souls home
Your laughter is so healing
It has washed my wounds
On many occasions
You my beautiful friend
Are worthy
Of all the love you give
This fire in your heart
Care for it
Keep it burning
There are so many of us
Who still need it's warmth.

~Amber C. Smith (Beltane Eve 2013)

Here Comes the Sun

My firstborn is turning twelve this year

And I will be forty in a month
Time is moving like a freight train
And I feel tied to the tracks
He still has that fleeting innocence
Lets me hold him
When his friends aren't near
I see him looking in wonder
At the world around him
As he holds one of the many babies
He has grown to adore
And I have to catch my breath
For he is my beautiful boy
With long golden hair
And a trusting heart
Who gets called a girl almost daily
Refusing to cut his locks
He just smiles, looking shyly away
As I fiercely correct them
Why can't a boy have long hair?
I fear this world and
The ignorance it breeds
I want to shine a light
On all the beauty and
Humanity that is left
Hiding in the dark corners
Waiting to be nurtured
Manifested and multiplied
By minds and hearts like his
I never want him to lose his faith
In whatever he chooses to believe in
To want and know to call me
When his good judgment fails him
That I will always love and forgive him
Gently encouraging life's lessons
It's the growing and learning from them
That really matter
I want to protect him
Keep him from harm
I know this is impossible
Kids will be cruel
He will fall in love
His heart will break
And I won't be able to fix it
This has to be
The most helpless
Feeling
In the world
We all make mistakes
Have failures
But to nurture that seed of hope
That I still see in his eyes
Stop him from being jaded
Knowing he can change what
Rest uneasy with his soul
That he can be strong
Yet gentle while
Still being a "man"
That tears and laughter
Are equally as important and
Not to be ashamed of either
That music is sacred and to
Never lose your love for it
Or the movement it inspires within you
I have never seen you smile as bright
As you do while dancing
It will be the soundtrack
To your first love
Help heal your first heartbreak
Help you rage and release
What angers you
Keep us connected when we
Don't understand one another
I've seen that look of pride you give me
When we are singing together
You are just like I was as a child
Playing your favorite song on repeat
Learning the lyrics like psalms
Richie Havens died today
That was your first concert at
Less than a month old
Cocooned in my sling
I was now a mother and
This show
Was our soundtrack
I could barely breathe from
The intense beauty of it all
His voice full of hope and promise
Me being responsible for this new life
Nuzzled at my chest
Your complete trust in me
And my intense adoration for you
Making me see the light that I lost
That I never really knew love
Before I held you in my arms
"Here Comes The Sun"
Will never sound like it did that night
Like I was hearing it for the first time
Moving me to tears while
Gazing into your eyes
Vowing to always be there for you
As I hope you know I am.
~Amber C. Smith 

"You're Walking Through My Heart Once More, Don't Forget to Close the Door..."

My heart does not understand the word
"Casual"
It is swollen with first kisses
Lingering embraces and
Lost lovers
A battleground of
The Human touch
Lightly brushed by fingertips
That will forever leave prints
Some days I wish I could surround it
In a cage of steel and barb wire
Keeping out the trespassers
While protecting these walls
That continue to beat and bleed
Through each break
It knows no prejudice
Always forgiving
Accepting
Loving
Even though the
Ache
Is fucking
Unbearable
~Amber C. Smith (April 2013)

Scar Tissue

The dark of the moon
Left me an emotional wreck
Tonight I sit under the new moon
Bleeding for all I have lost
Cleansing and purifying
Manifesting what my soul needs
Surrounded by blooming azaleas
And electrifying winds
Welcoming
The approaching storm
I want to feel the cool rain
I want to feel anything
Other than this ache
This has to be my year
To figure it out
Grow stronger
Leave less scars
On me
And
The ones I love
I will travel to the desert
Sit under a full moon
With Dali
Embracing all the wonders
I will fill my pockets with them
Like loose change
Sharing with those in need
I will cradle them in my heart
In hopes that they will fill these holes
Making me whole again.

~Amber C. Smith 2013

Blooms

Tonight
I wept
Always alone
In the car or
In the shower
Wailing
Like a lost child
Like when you listen
To that one song
On repeat
Even though it tears
Your fucking heart out
The shower is my safe
I don't have to answer to anyone
Space
I don't want to worry my boys
"Mom, why are you sad?"
That just makes the tears burn more and
I have no answer to give them
There is this ache in my heart
Buried so deep in my soul
That I've been digging it out
Since birth
One day I will find the root
The right mixture of
Sun and water
And it will blossom
Thousands of vibrant flowers
Waiting to be gathered and loved
A fragrance so intoxicating
That I will have no choice
But to fall in love
With myself

~Amber C. Smith 2013

Milk Moon

I buried the wooden box
Beneath the lime tree
Under the full Milk Moon
The night was still and
The sky was almost enough
To cradle my broken heart
The box contained a locket
Photos of us
Pictures you drew
Memories I was not ready to let go of
But were far too painful to see
I dug into the dirt
Through the roots
Secretly hiding
What I never wanted to feel again
Oh what a fool I have been.
~Amber C Smith

Equinox Approaching

I still get lost in the memories
That linger in the dark corners of my mind
The last call when you know you should leave
The helplessness blues that haunt me
A song or scent
Triggering synapses
That leave more fissures
In my already swollen heart
The heaviness of this Winter
That nearly destroyed me
Is finally leaving my body
Allowing my lungs to breathe
Opening my eyes to see
The beauty
That is
Illuminated
Around me
Grasping for balance
The promise of renewal
That Spring brings
And trying to forgive
So I can finally be free.
~Amber C. Smith  March 19, 2013

7:14 AM

She set the alarm clock
Not for work or school
Only
So she could see
The Sunrise
She had been waking up
Every dreadful morning
To the tireless beeping
For all the wrong reasons
The ones that crushed her soul
A job that was slowly
Tying a noose around her neck
Sending her boys off
Into a system she despised
Wanting to teach them herself
To not feel guilty when one was sick
Asking for their mom to hold them
While she was stuck at work
Tired of being numb
Doubting her dreams
Hurting
The ones that believed in her
That loved her unconditionally
Even when she was destroying
Herself
Wanting to be in charge of her own destiny
To control the chaos
That swirled and sucked around her
She decided to set the alarm clock
For this Sunrise
The first of many
That would set
Fire
To her
Life.