Homecoming (December 2008)

Coming home, I felt like a stranger
The streets and faces were familiar
The conversations were pleasant and safe
And no one could hear me screaming on the inside
When you are away for so long
You really notice all the things
That made you run like hell in the first place
The constant family drama
Worrying about the people you love
Sad, in pain, and relapsing
The demons catch up with you fast
When you are at your most vulnerable~
I tip toed around like a ghost
Knowing I'd be leaving
As quickly as I came in
My grandmother would smile
Several times a day at me
Between her tears and labored breathing
"He's gone Amber"
She'd say
"He took such good care of me"
Always asking if I'd eaten
Even though I had; just minutes ago
Right in front of her eyes
Her children are at odds
Fighting about what's best for her
Or not caring at all
She panics several times a day
And calls an ambulance
Several times a week
Because she's sure she's dying
And she is
Maybe the valium she's fed
Isn't enough
Maybe she knows what to expect
And it terrifies her
To just sit & wait
For the inevitable
FUCK it would terrify me
It was so overwhelming
That I had to escape it~
Good conversation, whiskey, & cigarettes
SAVED me
Thank god for my friends
Who got me through my homecoming
It was a crash landing
At best
And when the plane took off
For the Carolinas
I leaned my head against the cold window
Looking at the glittering lights below
Slowly fading into darkness
With tears in my eyes~