Letter to My Dad (February 2008)

Man the memory can be a bitch.
Smacking you in the face when you least expect it.
It can also be sweet & welcoming,
Watercolored visions fading in & out of my mind.
Sure I remember the alcohol & drugs
The home invasions & knife fights
I remember you beating in walls & smashing windows
So you wouldn't hit us
I remember the constant dissappointment in my mother's eyes
And the need of a little boy & girl to be acknowledged.
I remember being so angry with you
Anger that ate away at my very core
My spine too weak to fight
I just grew sick & hateful
Angry at the world & the why's
Hoping you would leave & missing you when you did
Hoping you would change & hating you when you didn't
I use to be so angry that I forgot
Forgot the music, the guitars, the singing
The croquet on the soft green grass
The fish fries from the afternoon's catch
The red stationwagon & singing REO Speedwagon
The airplane rides & the laughter
The feeling of safety knowing you were there
To fight the monsters that were under my bed.
Looking back now I'm just sad
And I don't blame anyone
What can you blame it on?
Your father, his father?
Your childhood, the drugs & alcohol?
Pointing the finger won't change what happened.
I learned alot from you:
What I will not accept in my life
What I deserve as a mother & wife
And most importantly, what my children deserve
Oh and the music, what would I have done without the music.....
~Amber C. Smith