Downward Spiral

We are all

Silently licking 

Wounds

Waiting

For scar tissue

To protect

Our minds

To forget

Our hearts to

Forgive

I am my worst

Enemy

Conjuring ghosts 

Of my past

That

Thievishly

Haunt my present

Leaving me with

That sinking feeling

That hangs on

Too often 

Too long

Overwhelming 

As life goes on

Around me

Lost and alone

In a room 

Full of friends

My only ally 

Leaving me

Feeling pulled 

By the train whistle

Distracted by the wind

The restlessness always

Percolating in my veins

Like a caged animal
Compulsively looking 

Over my shoulder
Waiting for someone 

To break me free
Not realizing 

I am the only one

With that power.

~Amber C. Smith 2013

Worship

He wants to worship me

But my hands are dirty

And my dress is torn

His faith is shaky

And the confessionals

Are closed at three am

When the alcohol and Valium

Cloud those

Blue 

Eyes 

Gray

With doubt

My knees are bruised 

From kneeling so long

On this 

Filthy

Concrete

Floor

Have I repented enough

To let the light back in?

~Amber C. Smith (August 2013)

Lost Sunlight

We walked along the railroad tracks

To lead us to school and back home

You and me with our 

Mismatched

High top

Pink and yellow converse

Graffitied with The Cramps, Dead Kennedys, and Circle Jerks

Middle school was fucking brutal

Beating us down daily 

Walking those tracks with you

Was the only thing I looked forward to

I would watch the sunlight 

Getting lost in your 

Strawberry blonde curls

Listened to your soft voice

Talk about hard stuff like

Music, alcohol, and getting out of this town

The days Cold War drills

And comments from cruel kids

Would finally escape me

You had to be my first real love

My heart would race to see you

And when you stayed home sick

Walking those tracks never felt lonelier

I wish his fingers never found me that night

I wish running with you could have worked out

But we all know how fast the world 

Can swallow two teenage girls

I have carved more lost loves in my skin than I have room for

I hope I can give up the dream of grabbing your hand to jump on that train that will make everything okay

I hope you can bury my wasted love in your chest and one day the most beautiful flowers will bloom 

That even a cynic like you will be compelled to water them with the tears you cry from remembering me.

~Amber C. Smith (Lammas 2013)

Oxygen

Suffocating 

Trapped under glass

In this menagerie

For eager eyes

To pick apart

And burn me

At the stake

Beating

Fist bloodied

On broken shards

Trying to escape

To fill my lungs

Feel the Sun

And live again.

Charlotte Sometimes

He said I wanted to give you a hug last week but was afraid.....

I replied you're lucky you didn't, I may have shattered

Breaking into millions of tears

That form into tidal waves

Carelessly destroying 

All that surrounds me

I have voids in me that may never be filled

And it's brutal watching people you love

Killing themselves by trying to fill them

Sometimes it's easier to stay angry

To feel selfish, alone, and unlovable 

Because the pain is too real

And my heart may burst

From the gentle kindness

Of arms 

Being 

Wrapped 

Around me

By a stranger.

~Amber C. Smith (July 2013)

"Charlotte sometimes crying for herself

Charlotte sometimes dreams a wall around herself

But it's always with love

With so much love it looks like

Everything else

Of Charlotte sometimes

So far away

Glass sealed and pretty

Charlotte sometimes."

Nightswimming

These Summer nights thick with humidity

Where your skin glistens in the moonlight

And the alcohol is more intoxicating 

It's easy to feel young and hopeful again

Trying to capture that fleeting innocence

Like children chase fireflies in the twilight

I sink into the heaviness of the night

The weight of my body feeling lighter

With each sip, conversation, and smile

The ghosts I keep as secrets

Fade slowly into the darkness

All that matters is the present

Fuck the future

What has it ever promised me

But disappointment and anxiety

I want the feeling of not knowing 

And being content with it

To dive into the possibility of now 

Savoring every moment of it~

~Amber C. Smith (July 2013)

Summer Haze

Here it comes

The hazy sun

Shedding light

On all

That's gone wrong

Whiskey soaked sheets

Apologies trapped by teeth

The night makes easy company

Don't try to save me 

I'm too far gone

Don't try to love me

My edges are too sharp and

I will only break your heart.

~Amber C. Smith (July 2013)