Dark Corners

I will be forty in seven days

I am reading Angela's Ashes and 

The Bell Jar, talk about despair

I listen to some sad fucking music

And surprise....

I have been weeping 

A lot

About lost friends

Old photographs

Nostalgic memories

And dusty dreams

Aching for the lives

I still want to live

And the ones I never will

There are days when I hate myself

More than my worst enemy

Times I want to tell all my secrets

To the stranger in the dark bar

Shedding the weight of this skin

Along with my identity

Of a woman lost

Being crushed by

A deep loneliness 

Even though I am 

Surrounded

By love

It is inconceivable 

To one who does not

Understand

So I stay busy

Immersing myself in everything

Until it becomes a

Neurotic juggling act

Maddening those closest to me

Because with stillness

Comes a deafening silence

And my inner voice can be heard

Asking too many questions

That I am not prepared to answer

My soul has become so restless

My heart swells every time 

I hear a train in the distance

I am always 

Being pulled

By the Moon and Tide
Loving until my heart ask
How much more

Can you give

Before you lose

Yourself

Completely?

~Amber C. Smith (May 18, 2013)

“I have the choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad. Or I can go mad by ricocheting in between.”

The Journals of Sylvia Plath

Phoenix

My mom raised two children
Mostly on her own
When my dad was around
Drunk and unemployed
I am sure he was more like
The third child she never wanted
She broke her back daily
To feed and clothe us
I know she has regrets
Wished she could have given more
Helped more with my brother
Kept her demons at bay
It is easy to beat yourself up
I do it to myself too often
I wish it could have been easier for you
That you didn't have to wait tables
All day long
And work in a bar until 3am
Just to not make ends meet
You sacrificed so much
And I have nothing but love for you
I look at you now and I am in awe
You amaze and inspire so many
Healing others with just your touch
Your heart remains open
And when your laughter unfurls
Everyone around you smiles
You are my Phoenix
I have seen you rise from the ash
And your brilliance
Takes my breath away.

~Amber C. Smith (May 12, 2013)

Fire Heart (for Suellen)

I see your heart aching
And I want to reach inside
To show you how brilliant
And strong it really is
How
It beats without you asking
A Rhythm so beautiful
That
Others want to lay
Upon your chest just to hear
I know what it is like
Holding the world on
Your broken shoulders
Always apologizing for tears
Being strong when you just
Want to shatter and disappear
I have seen your doubt
But I look at your
Two
Amazing
Children
And wonder why
Your light shines so bright
It can lead lost souls home
Your laughter is so healing
It has washed my wounds
On many occasions
You my beautiful friend
Are worthy
Of all the love you give
This fire in your heart
Care for it
Keep it burning
There are so many of us
Who still need it's warmth.

~Amber C. Smith (Beltane Eve 2013)

Here Comes the Sun

My firstborn is turning twelve this year

And I will be forty in a month
Time is moving like a freight train
And I feel tied to the tracks
He still has that fleeting innocence
Lets me hold him
When his friends aren't near
I see him looking in wonder
At the world around him
As he holds one of the many babies
He has grown to adore
And I have to catch my breath
For he is my beautiful boy
With long golden hair
And a trusting heart
Who gets called a girl almost daily
Refusing to cut his locks
He just smiles, looking shyly away
As I fiercely correct them
Why can't a boy have long hair?
I fear this world and
The ignorance it breeds
I want to shine a light
On all the beauty and
Humanity that is left
Hiding in the dark corners
Waiting to be nurtured
Manifested and multiplied
By minds and hearts like his
I never want him to lose his faith
In whatever he chooses to believe in
To want and know to call me
When his good judgment fails him
That I will always love and forgive him
Gently encouraging life's lessons
It's the growing and learning from them
That really matter
I want to protect him
Keep him from harm
I know this is impossible
Kids will be cruel
He will fall in love
His heart will break
And I won't be able to fix it
This has to be
The most helpless
Feeling
In the world
We all make mistakes
Have failures
But to nurture that seed of hope
That I still see in his eyes
Stop him from being jaded
Knowing he can change what
Rest uneasy with his soul
That he can be strong
Yet gentle while
Still being a "man"
That tears and laughter
Are equally as important and
Not to be ashamed of either
That music is sacred and to
Never lose your love for it
Or the movement it inspires within you
I have never seen you smile as bright
As you do while dancing
It will be the soundtrack
To your first love
Help heal your first heartbreak
Help you rage and release
What angers you
Keep us connected when we
Don't understand one another
I've seen that look of pride you give me
When we are singing together
You are just like I was as a child
Playing your favorite song on repeat
Learning the lyrics like psalms
Richie Havens died today
That was your first concert at
Less than a month old
Cocooned in my sling
I was now a mother and
This show
Was our soundtrack
I could barely breathe from
The intense beauty of it all
His voice full of hope and promise
Me being responsible for this new life
Nuzzled at my chest
Your complete trust in me
And my intense adoration for you
Making me see the light that I lost
That I never really knew love
Before I held you in my arms
"Here Comes The Sun"
Will never sound like it did that night
Like I was hearing it for the first time
Moving me to tears while
Gazing into your eyes
Vowing to always be there for you
As I hope you know I am.
~Amber C. Smith 

"You're Walking Through My Heart Once More, Don't Forget to Close the Door..."

My heart does not understand the word
"Casual"
It is swollen with first kisses
Lingering embraces and
Lost lovers
A battleground of
The Human touch
Lightly brushed by fingertips
That will forever leave prints
Some days I wish I could surround it
In a cage of steel and barb wire
Keeping out the trespassers
While protecting these walls
That continue to beat and bleed
Through each break
It knows no prejudice
Always forgiving
Accepting
Loving
Even though the
Ache
Is fucking
Unbearable
~Amber C. Smith (April 2013)

Scar Tissue

The dark of the moon
Left me an emotional wreck
Tonight I sit under the new moon
Bleeding for all I have lost
Cleansing and purifying
Manifesting what my soul needs
Surrounded by blooming azaleas
And electrifying winds
Welcoming
The approaching storm
I want to feel the cool rain
I want to feel anything
Other than this ache
This has to be my year
To figure it out
Grow stronger
Leave less scars
On me
And
The ones I love
I will travel to the desert
Sit under a full moon
With Dali
Embracing all the wonders
I will fill my pockets with them
Like loose change
Sharing with those in need
I will cradle them in my heart
In hopes that they will fill these holes
Making me whole again.

~Amber C. Smith 2013

Blooms

Tonight
I wept
Always alone
In the car or
In the shower
Wailing
Like a lost child
Like when you listen
To that one song
On repeat
Even though it tears
Your fucking heart out
The shower is my safe
I don't have to answer to anyone
Space
I don't want to worry my boys
"Mom, why are you sad?"
That just makes the tears burn more and
I have no answer to give them
There is this ache in my heart
Buried so deep in my soul
That I've been digging it out
Since birth
One day I will find the root
The right mixture of
Sun and water
And it will blossom
Thousands of vibrant flowers
Waiting to be gathered and loved
A fragrance so intoxicating
That I will have no choice
But to fall in love
With myself

~Amber C. Smith 2013