"Pull Yourselves Together Girls"

My Dearest Friend,

I know the time that has passed between us has left us both forever changed, raw in so many ways...

But I also know how strong we both are and I feel like we will make it through anything with more grace, acceptance, and understanding of who we are at our core. Learning to nurture our jagged edges, bruised skin, and weary souls. Eventually being able to revel in the present. Knowing we can't change the past or control the future is probably one of the hardest lessons for me to learn.

I know you said it's true that some days you can't tell if you're limping or dancing and perhaps it's our own hearts that are velveteen rabbits. Worn out...becoming truly alive in the process.

My momma told me that

She has been watching my light dim for years 

She was afraid it would flicker out

completely 

She's always told me that I saved her life

I have been trying to save everyone's life 

Since I could fathom 

How deep my heart was

It was time for me to finally break and

Let someone else help carry the weight

Of this heavy heart of mine 

She says I light up like a firecracker

When he comes around 

She's convinced I was a flapper 

At a Paris jazz club 

In my previous life 

She sees that spark again

I am feeling stronger each day 

Hoping the light will radiate from me 

Chasing away all the shadows 

That stand between

Who I used to be 

And

Who I am becoming...

Amber Comber (July 2016)

Santa Rosa

Santa Rosa was named under a new moon

She was smudged with sage that

Dali and I gathered under the California sun 

I have a twin bed and a lack of belongings

But have never felt like I belonged more

My mind doesn't run circles all night long 

Looking for the best escape route 

The one 

Where

I Only

Hurt Myself

And

No one else

I don't feel like I am breathing underwater

Or that I need to hide my unhappiness

Or failed attempts at trying to be happy 

I can just unfurl and finally trust me...

Amber Comber (May 2016)

 

 

Advice from my Therapist

My therapist said:

"You don't have to leave your anger on my bookshelf over there, it's okay to own it. You have every right to it."

How quickly terms of endearment 

Turn into mean and spiteful 

Pieces of broken promises

Like shattered glass

That I can't wait to spit out

Before I choke on the blood

Before I swallow them

And let them destroy

All the light left within me

Love can be so cruel

Giving you a false sense 

Of security that when it's

Taken away by the selfish 

Hands that gave it to you

You are left shivering and helpless

Begging and groveling for more

Words and memories you shared

Come back in tidal waves

Like multiple stabs to the heart

Still

I sew it up every time

Hoping the sutures hold

Until it's strong enough

To beat on its own

Quivering at the threshold

Betwixt love and hate.

~Amber Comber (April new moon 2016)

Forgotten Rooms

This house used

To smother me

Now I am a ghost

Lost in each room 

I brush against walls

Forgetting they are there

Everything is familiar

Yet foreign to me

What used to comfort me

Keeps me awake at night

When I am conscious 

I immediately play

Tricks on my mind

Telling myself:

Hold your boys

Feel the Sunshine

Go for a Walk

Drown the voices with

Your Headphones

Anything 

To

Forget

About the death

That happened here.

~Amber Comber

Turkish Apricots

My morning ritual

Consists of 

Two turkish apricots

And enough black

Coffee to chase

Last night's insomnia

Away

The full moon

Brings

Fever to my skin

And my mind

Is as restless

As the wind

That uprooted

The weeping willow

In my backyard 

Longing to feel 

Content in my stillness

I meditate for peace

To wash over me

She never shows 

My bruises are fading

From violet to green

And I don't reach

For the whiskey

As often as I used to

Minute by minute

I breathe through 

Each day

Holding lightly and

Unfurling my fists

To watch the 

Crescent scars 

Disappear.

~Amber Comber 2016

Ether

I am not his 

He is not mine 

We connect in the ether 

Where 

Time and space 

Have no relevance 

Where

Moral compasses cease to exist

I tell myself to hold on ever so lightly 

For I will never be able to capture air...

~Amber Comber

Afar

I have fashioned this cage

That surrounds me

Rusted wrought iron

Spires that pierce 

The perfect blue sky

Everything looks beautiful 

From afar

When you can possess 

It without fear

How ugly we have become

Clutching to the past

And fervently trying

To control the outcome 

When staying is killing you

Slowly

But leaving is a shotgun to the

Head

No one wins in this cruel game

And no one is to blame

I burn inside while

Bruising outside

Wanting to peel 

Each

Layer

of 

Skin

Free.

~Amber Comber 2016