Sunrise Flight

Three cigarettes were left in the ashtray 

With a can of beer beside it

Almost like you were

Coming right back

But it had been fourteen days

Since your body finally decided to

Surrender to the war you 

Waged against it for so many years

I could see the imprint in the sofa

Where you spent your time alone

The room was forever stained 

With stale cigarette smoke

Like the local dive bar

You used to waste your time in

The reality of it all punched me in the gut

I'm sorry I sent the cops over last month

Because you sounded like you just had a stroke

I know the attention upset you and 

The holidays must have been hard for you all alone

I'm sorry that I never mailed that card 

With the photos from our last visit

I'm sorry I didn't call more

I'm sorry for so many fucking things

But mostly 

That I will never see you again

I hope you know I loved and forgave you

We are all human making it however we can

I know you spent those last days calling me 

Trying to apologize in all the ways you never knew how

I know one day I will be able to listen to Neil Young

Without having rivers 

Waterfall from my eyes

I know it will get easier when people 

Give their condolences after hearing about you

I will hold our visit last Summer in my mind

Locked away with a key no one can find

So it doesn't get left in the Sun

Fading with each passing day

I went to Kerouac's favorite bar after seeing you

Thinking of his death and worrying about your life

I wrote about our visit because I had to

That is how I process and release the things

That weigh too heavy in my heart

"I hope in the end we all truly find peace

I hope in the end we all feel loved

I hope in the end we are released

From all the pain, sadness, and regret 

That we numb ourselves from daily."

There were 600 miles between us

I knew the morning I saw that beautiful sunrise

And heard Bill Fay sing Jesus Etc.

That the Universe was telling me something 

I hope your flight was free from pain and filled with peace.

~Amber Comber (February 2015)

I Really Loved That Math Puzzle

I wanted to face 2015

Being fiercer than 

I've ever been

My life always

Has a different plan

I know we don't become

Monsters overnight

We don't forget our worth

Whenever it's convenient

It's something that builds up 

Slowly over time

Questioning yourself

Starts at a tender age and

When the answers don't come

You wrap yourself in layers

And a mask that become 

Harder to shed

With each passing year

I have circles under my eyes

My tongue has sharpened

Like a knife 

Carving doubts

On the walls of this

Scarred heart of mine

Tonight I sipped

Vodka and pomegranate

Until I felt lost at sea

Too numb to care

Too gone to cry

Recalling my dreams

To breakthrough the doors

Into the light

Uphill

Full

Speed 

Ahead

Telling you

"I have to go

I can't talk to you

While doing this"

I'm awake now

I wish I wasn't

I cry myself to sleep

And still rise

With oceans pouring

From my eyes

I want to comfort you

But all I feel is a 

Fiery hot rage

That I don't know how

To extinguish

You punch through doors

Begging for forgiveness

I run far away 

Begging for stillness

I just want this rope bridge

To stop swinging between us

I lose my balance with each step

Falling backwards 

Instead of moving ahead

How lost have we have become

In this nightmare we've created

I search for the light

Praying that the darkness 

Does

Not

Consume

Us.

~Amber C. Smith 2015

Solstice Letter to Dali

Dear Dali,

Last night was the Solstice.

I feel the weight of Winter upon me as I grasp for every beam of light I can store in this sad soul of mine. I gathered with the most lovely goddesses under the evening stars, we growled at the darkness daring it to steal our power. We built a bonfire to burn all that no longer serves us and embrace all that we desire to manifest in the coming year. Words often escape me when I am struck with such awe and beauty. My heart swells and I am speechless. It's hard to describe the joys I experience, why is that? The sadness and loneliness always leave a fever on my lips that I must break before I am burned alive. Why can't I speak of all the joy? We used the wild sage that we harvested together in Santa Rosa. Smudging each of us clockwise like spinning centers trying to come clean. I cast what was left into the fire and it covered us with the most beautiful blanket of smoke, offering embers to the night sky that danced like fireflies on a Summer evening. You were with me in that moment in time, when my soul felt weightless and free. I read Mary Oliver tonight and wanted to share her words with you:

“If you suddenly and unexpectedly feel joy,
 don’t hesitate. Give in to it. There are plenty 
of lives and whole towns destroyed or about
 to be. We are not wise, and not very often
 kind. And much can never be redeemed. 
Still, life has some possibility left. Perhaps this
 is its way of fighting back, that sometimes
 

something happens better than all the riches
 or power in the world. It could be anything,
 but very likely you notice it in the instant
 when love begins. Anyway, that’s often the
 case. Anyway, whatever it is, don’t be afraid
 of its plenty. Joy is not made to be a crumb.”

I plan to feast on Joy whenever possible, I hope you'll join me. 

Love Always,

Gala

~Amber Comber (Solstice 2014)

Winter Awaits

It's a misty rainy evening

And the trees are exposing

Their naked limbs again

It's brutal to sit alone

With your self doubt

Wondering how you will return

With the fever of Spring 

After being cold and dormant

For so long

The quiet is deafening

So my ghosts can scream

And the darkness illuminates

All that I don't want to see 

This war I wage 

With myself

Every year

Has claimed 

No casualties

It just leaves me

Shaking in the cold and

Riddled with anxiety.

~Amber C. Smith (December 2014)

Orpine Drive

I would wake to the sound

Of her screaming his name

Knowing she loved him

Forgetting he was gone

I would try to soothe her

As she shook in my arms

Valium can only numb you

For so long

Leaving a hole and ache

Larger than when it

Entered your bloodstream 

I had never seen my grandmother

So lost, alone, and suffering

I traveled 600 miles to comfort her

And didn't know where to begin

Seeing me would make her happy

Until she remembered why I was there

She refused to eat

But made sure I was fed

I brushed her hair

I painted her nails

Strange I know

But when the Titanic 

Was sinking 

I read somewhere that

Women rushed to the mirror

To apply lipstick

We are always trying 

To make things beautiful

Even death

I lost my appetite

To clove cigarettes

Whiskey and insomnia 

A stranger in my hometown

I came and left

Like the ghost of him.

~Amber C. Smith (November 2014)

Spun Silk

It's been a cold, dark week

The kind that test your will

And the fight you have left

Winter is not even here yet

I say to myself

Stepping into another 

Hour long bath

Covering myself with blankets

Hiding from the outside world

Books, music, and movies 

Comforting my weary heart 

But today 

It's snowing dandelions

The clouds are spun silk

My legs and feet are 

Bare white porcelain

Under the long forgotten Sun

The wind is restless like my soul

Playfully tugging at my hair

As I sit silently still

Breathing it all in

Reminding myself why I am here

For this moment I am grateful .

~Amber C. Smith (November 2014)

Blood Moon

I want to remember this sunset

How the pink clouds caressed

The high voltage lines

How I never felt so fucking alone

My cheeks stained salty

Walking these railroad tracks

With all direction gone

I bleed with the Blood Moon

How can that not be magic?

Dipping my fair skin

Marred with past sins

Into these murky waters 

To come out clean 

Leaves me in awe

Every time...

~Amber Comber