I Really Loved That Math Puzzle

I wanted to face 2015

Being fiercer than 

I've ever been

My life always

Has a different plan

I know we don't become

Monsters overnight

We don't forget our worth

Whenever it's convenient

It's something that builds up 

Slowly over time

Questioning yourself

Starts at a tender age and

When the answers don't come

You wrap yourself in layers

And a mask that become 

Harder to shed

With each passing year

I have circles under my eyes

My tongue has sharpened

Like a knife 

Carving doubts

On the walls of this

Scarred heart of mine

Tonight I sipped

Vodka and pomegranate

Until I felt lost at sea

Too numb to care

Too gone to cry

Recalling my dreams

To breakthrough the doors

Into the light

Uphill

Full

Speed 

Ahead

Telling you

"I have to go

I can't talk to you

While doing this"

I'm awake now

I wish I wasn't

I cry myself to sleep

And still rise

With oceans pouring

From my eyes

I want to comfort you

But all I feel is a 

Fiery hot rage

That I don't know how

To extinguish

You punch through doors

Begging for forgiveness

I run far away 

Begging for stillness

I just want this rope bridge

To stop swinging between us

I lose my balance with each step

Falling backwards 

Instead of moving ahead

How lost have we have become

In this nightmare we've created

I search for the light

Praying that the darkness 

Does

Not

Consume

Us.

~Amber C. Smith 2015

Solstice Letter to Dali

Dear Dali,

Last night was the Solstice.

I feel the weight of Winter upon me as I grasp for every beam of light I can store in this sad soul of mine. I gathered with the most lovely goddesses under the evening stars, we growled at the darkness daring it to steal our power. We built a bonfire to burn all that no longer serves us and embrace all that we desire to manifest in the coming year. Words often escape me when I am struck with such awe and beauty. My heart swells and I am speechless. It's hard to describe the joys I experience, why is that? The sadness and loneliness always leave a fever on my lips that I must break before I am burned alive. Why can't I speak of all the joy? We used the wild sage that we harvested together in Santa Rosa. Smudging each of us clockwise like spinning centers trying to come clean. I cast what was left into the fire and it covered us with the most beautiful blanket of smoke, offering embers to the night sky that danced like fireflies on a Summer evening. You were with me in that moment in time, when my soul felt weightless and free. I read Mary Oliver tonight and wanted to share her words with you:

“If you suddenly and unexpectedly feel joy,
 don’t hesitate. Give in to it. There are plenty 
of lives and whole towns destroyed or about
 to be. We are not wise, and not very often
 kind. And much can never be redeemed. 
Still, life has some possibility left. Perhaps this
 is its way of fighting back, that sometimes
 

something happens better than all the riches
 or power in the world. It could be anything,
 but very likely you notice it in the instant
 when love begins. Anyway, that’s often the
 case. Anyway, whatever it is, don’t be afraid
 of its plenty. Joy is not made to be a crumb.”

I plan to feast on Joy whenever possible, I hope you'll join me. 

Love Always,

Gala

~Amber Comber (Solstice 2014)

Winter Awaits

It's a misty rainy evening

And the trees are exposing

Their naked limbs again

It's brutal to sit alone

With your self doubt

Wondering how you will return

With the fever of Spring 

After being cold and dormant

For so long

The quiet is deafening

So my ghosts can scream

And the darkness illuminates

All that I don't want to see 

This war I wage 

With myself

Every year

Has claimed 

No casualties

It just leaves me

Shaking in the cold and

Riddled with anxiety.

~Amber C. Smith (December 2014)

Orpine Drive

I would wake to the sound

Of her screaming his name

Knowing she loved him

Forgetting he was gone

I would try to soothe her

As she shook in my arms

Valium can only numb you

For so long

Leaving a hole and ache

Larger than when it

Entered your bloodstream 

I had never seen my grandmother

So lost, alone, and suffering

I traveled 600 miles to comfort her

And didn't know where to begin

Seeing me would make her happy

Until she remembered why I was there

She refused to eat

But made sure I was fed

I brushed her hair

I painted her nails

Strange I know

But when the Titanic 

Was sinking 

I read somewhere that

Women rushed to the mirror

To apply lipstick

We are always trying 

To make things beautiful

Even death

I lost my appetite

To clove cigarettes

Whiskey and insomnia 

A stranger in my hometown

I came and left

Like the ghost of him.

~Amber C. Smith (November 2014)

Spun Silk

It's been a cold, dark week

The kind that test your will

And the fight you have left

Winter is not even here yet

I say to myself

Stepping into another 

Hour long bath

Covering myself with blankets

Hiding from the outside world

Books, music, and movies 

Comforting my weary heart 

But today 

It's snowing dandelions

The clouds are spun silk

My legs and feet are 

Bare white porcelain

Under the long forgotten Sun

The wind is restless like my soul

Playfully tugging at my hair

As I sit silently still

Breathing it all in

Reminding myself why I am here

For this moment I am grateful .

~Amber C. Smith (November 2014)

Blood Moon

I want to remember this sunset

How the pink clouds caressed

The high voltage lines

How I never felt so fucking alone

My cheeks stained salty

Walking these railroad tracks

With all direction gone

I bleed with the Blood Moon

How can that not be magic?

Dipping my fair skin

Marred with past sins

Into these murky waters 

To come out clean 

Leaves me in awe

Every time...

~Amber Comber

Penny For Your Thougts

She collected wheat pennies

Her eyes would sparkle 

When I handed her one

I was always in search of them

Just so I could see her light

The sadness lingered around her

With an air so thick 

I often got lost in it

I could see her struggle

Trying to shake it off with

That Insane laugh of hers

Always reassuring me 

Everything was okay

Her lips and eyes

Lying every time 

With such classic 

Beauty and grace

She made it easy 

To believe 

Then one day

She

Was

Gone

No goodbyes 

No explanations 

Family asking if I had seen her

Not nearly as alarmed as I was

They were use to these episodes

She disappeared quite often 

Escaping her current reality for

The Blue Ridge Mountains

There was talk of her seedy past

The old boyfriend who dealt meth

Trying to kick her own addictions

But always getting lured back in

I ran into her years later 

She acted as if nothing happened

Oblivious to any worry she caused

Her eyes had grown tired

She had given up the fight

Exchanging pleasantries

We hugged one another

Goodbye

I knew that was the last time

I would see her face. 

~Amber C. Smith (Autumn 2014)