Charlotte Sometimes

He said I wanted to give you a hug last week but was afraid.....

I replied you're lucky you didn't, I may have shattered

Breaking into millions of tears

That form into tidal waves

Carelessly destroying 

All that surrounds me

I have voids in me that may never be filled

And it's brutal watching people you love

Killing themselves by trying to fill them

Sometimes it's easier to stay angry

To feel selfish, alone, and unlovable 

Because the pain is too real

And my heart may burst

From the gentle kindness

Of arms 

Being 

Wrapped 

Around me

By a stranger.

~Amber C. Smith (July 2013)

"Charlotte sometimes crying for herself

Charlotte sometimes dreams a wall around herself

But it's always with love

With so much love it looks like

Everything else

Of Charlotte sometimes

So far away

Glass sealed and pretty

Charlotte sometimes."

Nightswimming

These Summer nights thick with humidity

Where your skin glistens in the moonlight

And the alcohol is more intoxicating 

It's easy to feel young and hopeful again

Trying to capture that fleeting innocence

Like children chase fireflies in the twilight

I sink into the heaviness of the night

The weight of my body feeling lighter

With each sip, conversation, and smile

The ghosts I keep as secrets

Fade slowly into the darkness

All that matters is the present

Fuck the future

What has it ever promised me

But disappointment and anxiety

I want the feeling of not knowing 

And being content with it

To dive into the possibility of now 

Savoring every moment of it~

~Amber C. Smith (July 2013)

Summer Haze

Here it comes

The hazy sun

Shedding light

On all

That's gone wrong

Whiskey soaked sheets

Apologies trapped by teeth

The night makes easy company

Don't try to save me 

I'm too far gone

Don't try to love me

My edges are too sharp and

I will only break your heart.

~Amber C. Smith (July 2013)

Washaway

I have a mouth full of regrets

That I will rarely speak of

But will forever haunt me

Pills to keep me numb

That I will refuse to take

I need

I want

To feel this edge

This pain 

This hurt

I deserve every bit of 

What you cast my way

I will face my monsters

Head on

Slaying all doubts

That tie me down

I will forgive myself

A little more each day

Seeking light to bask in

Avoiding

The dark corners of my mind

Convincing myself 

I AM.

Worthy of this love.

Amber C. Smith 2015

Rag Doll

He told me everyone has parts of them that will never be happy

Doesn't he realize my heart is as wide as the ocean

And some days as sad as my 

15 year old self 

Crying to The Smiths

Alone in my bedroom 

I cannot control the Nostalgia

That rushes over me

A song

A scent

A season

It doesn't take much

For this heart of mine to bleed 

I feel like an open wound

Leaving a trail of blood

With every step I take

Looking desperately for sutures

That I can never seem to find

Amber C. Smith (June 24, 2013)

Dark Corners

I will be forty in seven days

I am reading Angela's Ashes and 

The Bell Jar, talk about despair

I listen to some sad fucking music

And surprise....

I have been weeping 

A lot

About lost friends

Old photographs

Nostalgic memories

And dusty dreams

Aching for the lives

I still want to live

And the ones I never will

There are days when I hate myself

More than my worst enemy

Times I want to tell all my secrets

To the stranger in the dark bar

Shedding the weight of this skin

Along with my identity

Of a woman lost

Being crushed by

A deep loneliness 

Even though I am 

Surrounded

By love

It is inconceivable 

To one who does not

Understand

So I stay busy

Immersing myself in everything

Until it becomes a

Neurotic juggling act

Maddening those closest to me

Because with stillness

Comes a deafening silence

And my inner voice can be heard

Asking too many questions

That I am not prepared to answer

My soul has become so restless

My heart swells every time 

I hear a train in the distance

I am always 

Being pulled

By the Moon and Tide
Loving until my heart ask
How much more

Can you give

Before you lose

Yourself

Completely?

~Amber C. Smith (May 18, 2013)

“I have the choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad. Or I can go mad by ricocheting in between.”

The Journals of Sylvia Plath

Phoenix

My mom raised two children
Mostly on her own
When my dad was around
Drunk and unemployed
I am sure he was more like
The third child she never wanted
She broke her back daily
To feed and clothe us
I know she has regrets
Wished she could have given more
Helped more with my brother
Kept her demons at bay
It is easy to beat yourself up
I do it to myself too often
I wish it could have been easier for you
That you didn't have to wait tables
All day long
And work in a bar until 3am
Just to not make ends meet
You sacrificed so much
And I have nothing but love for you
I look at you now and I am in awe
You amaze and inspire so many
Healing others with just your touch
Your heart remains open
And when your laughter unfurls
Everyone around you smiles
You are my Phoenix
I have seen you rise from the ash
And your brilliance
Takes my breath away.

~Amber C. Smith (May 12, 2013)