Cemetery Gates

Riding through the cemetery
The moon is nearly full
The trees are ultraviolet
Flames against the skyline
The boys ride ahead
Curious
Wanting to read every tombstone
"Mom how did she die?"
"How old was she?"
Greyson kneels to fix a vase
We stop at the Veteran's Memorial
"What are these flags for?"
"Did all these people die?"
They are full of concern
For these unknown souls
Wanting answers
We look up to a family of deer
Watching us from the woods
Leaving with a sense of peace
Days later on the way to dinner
The same buck that stared into our eyes
Lies dead on the side of the road
Hit by a vehicle
Riley ask
"Will they bury him in the cemetery?"

Sweet Dreams

Every night I am asked by Riley if I will lay with him. Some nights I just want to wind down by myself and I feel selfish. He tosses and turns, obsessively rubbing his feet up and down my shins. He is so busy and restless while chasing sleep. I hate myself for becoming irritated by these nightly rituals. Most nights I am thankful for this time because I realize how fleeting it is. He grows in his sleep physically and mentally. He corrects his pronunciation of words that I soon miss and long to hear again. Sometimes he shuns my affections in front of others showing me how independent he is becoming. I know you have to give your children roots it's giving them the wings that is so damn hard. So tonight I just let the present wash over me. He wraps his arms around my neck and says "I love you mommy"; I could see his eye lids get heavy and his limbs let go of the fear of missing out on what happens when he falls asleep. There is a sense of peace that washes over us and I know how precious and irreplaceable these moments are.

Monsters

He said he didn't understand my sadness
I thought, what's not to understand?
I get lost in the desperation
I remember where I came from
The darkness of that path
I see through the beauty
Finding the pain
Balancing in that moment between them
Often makes me insane
It's like grasping at an image
Of who I long to be
An accepting version
Of the uncomfortable me
The one that claws from the inside
Cynically questioning
The love that surrounds me

Summer Solstice

Live each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each.” ~Henry David Thoreau

I love the quote above and seem to naturally honor and relish in what each season has to offer. I would have to say Summer is my least favorite season for the simple fact that I can't stand the stifling heat! Growing up in Florida made me really get to know my Air Conditioning. It makes me lazy, which is great when you have nothing to do. I always say you have to go through each Season to appreciate them all. I love that I get to experience all the Seasons living in North Carolina. That being said I am really trying to enjoy what Summer has to offer. I have a more relaxed schedule with my children's school being out. They stay up late chasing fire flies in the back yard & stuffing their faces with watermelon. Carefully picking blackberries off the vines and staining their lips bright purple. We are starting to harvest vegetables from our garden. Eating red ripe sun kissed tomatoes is DECADENT & refrigerator cucumbers are the best! Watching your seeds sprout and grow is always awe inspiring to me. I have been riding my bike to work each morning; the cool air slowly wakes me and riding home in the hot Sun is so cleansing. We have been riding bikes on local trails as a family and swimming at the pool, it's such a bonding experience for us. We stay clustered together, our children's sweet arms wrapped around our shoulders to keep them above the water. The days are longer and we are exhausted when the Sun sets. So to the Summer I used to balk at I now welcome you and all the abundant beauty you have to offer!
Happy Solstice!

Freight Train

~Her son slept peacefully in her arms
Awoken by a nightmare at 1am
This was becoming a nighlty ritual
She soothed him back to sleep
Whispering words of comfort in his ear
At 2am she was still wide awake
Watching the lights from the traffic
Dance off the walls
She heard the freight train in the distance
And could feel the Earth tremble around her
Her husband lay silent beside her
How long could she soothe the ache inside
Before it ate her alive
Always waiting for the inevitable disappointment
Was exhausting
Jumping freight trains at 2am
Made her feel alive~

Slumber

I am restless
My husband sleeping next to me
I listen to his breathing
My oldest son awakes from a dream
He climbs in bed between us
I lie still
Listening to them both breathe
Tossing, turning, jealous of their sleep
I try all my routines
Reading, writing, trying to clear
This busy mind of mine
I crawl in bed with my youngest child
I match my breathing rhythms to his
Tricking my body into being lulled to sleep
Nestled up close to him
Feeling like a thief
Trying to steal just a bit of his
Peace
But a train calls loudly in the distance
While the Sun creeps slowly through the
Window
And my soul is restless
Once again...

Solstice Approaching

The days have shortened and so has my energy. I find myself wanting to be in my cave with my family. Some call this seasonal depression but I find it to be more of an intense love for my family. I am not sad at home, I am content. I do not miss the noisy overpriced bars. They seem lonely to me & the rare times I do go out to them I am always thankful to come home to what really matters. (Live music on the other hand will usually always get me out of the house). Me & my husband often talk about how in love we are with our boys & we've always had this sense of urgency to spend time together. Maybe because we both work full time & our boys change with the blink of an eye. Maybe because my heart is always hurting when they are not around. Maybe it's the way they still run to greet me with a big hug screaming "momma!" when I come home from work or an evening out. How the nights they wake and crawl into bed with us outnumber the nights they don't. I think we have also seen tragedies; ones that make you clutch your family close reminding you that time is all too precious & fleeting. I think being a mom is the best thing I will ever be. I get stressed about money, bills, the dirty house, the things we need and can't afford..... then I stop to realize all I could possibly need is in this room, in front of a warm fire, and cuddled next to me. Knowing that we share this love and comfort, what more could I possibly want or need?